I could fill three blogs with the reasons I’m glad I’m not a parent of a small child these days. And that’s without considering the prospects of a President Obama or President McCain.

But with Halloween upon us and all the media reports designed to scare the candy corn out of you, this is the time of year I most enjoy having full-grown children.

I was going to say ‘adult’, but the jury’s still out on our oldest son.

Anyway, according to a U.S. Census Bureau report, fewer children are trick-or-treating because the “demographic for it is declining.”

If by ‘demographic’ they mean the parents who are too afraid to let their kids trudge through the neighborhood, then I say we’ve found at least one government report that was accurate.

From perverse distributors of unsafe candy to roaming packs of often-violent bullies and even the frighteningly high number of pedophiles, Halloween has become a sad commentary on the state of our society

This year, the state of Maryland has even gone so far as to mail bright orange cardboard jack-o-lanterns to 1,200 individuals who are on the state’s sex offender’s list.

These state-issued decorations come with the warning that there’s “No Candy at This Residence,” and requires the offender to prominently display the sign in their front window.

As a parent, I’d prefer a sign that simply says a sex offender lives here the other 364 days a year, too, but that’s just me.

Yes, we can argue the civil liberties aspect of this Spooktacular Scarlet Letter, but the point is to make the parent aware that this might not be the best place to leave your children unsupervised.

The shunning of this door-to-door panhandling has been increasing each year; families are now more apt to don costumes and parade around churches, schools and community centers.

No longer are little ones allowed to fan out across the ‘hood like an invading army and pillage their way to sugar nausea and rotting teeth.

I was in the waning years of trick-or-treating age (probably about 12) when a family friend – Wade Poole was his name – would accompany our pre-teen gaggle from house to house.

Mr. Poole would spend most of October searching for a pumpkin big enough in which to literally stick his head.

Once found, Mr. Wade would gut the giant gourd, carve out the eyes and mouth, and lop enough off the bottom so that it would slide on his head like some mutated space helmet. He’d complete the ensemble with a bright white sheet, and this Great Pumpkin would be our escort for the evening.

Yes – we would still go through our candy piece by piece – even in the early 70s there were twisted people who put pins in candy bars and razor blades in apples. But at least we had an adult – an authority figure - with us to keep us safe from weirdoes, hoodlums and the scary old witch that would holler at us for cutting through her yard.

Still, nearly seven billion dollars is spent on Halloween, making it the second most commercialized day on the calendar.

And now the green movement is getting in on the act. I won’t dignify them with identification, but I recently stumbled upon a website that features suggestions for having a green Halloween.

In addition to the expected tips on homemade costumes and recycling candy wrappers, they offered this little nugget as a viable candy alternative: teabags.

I’d rather get a rock.

And not just any old black pekoe (although, the blogger admits to handing out a variety of herbals), but peppermint tea, because it goes best with Halloween treats (that is, if the rest of the neighborhood doesn’t substitute Folger’s Singles for chocolate bars).

If ever a house deserved an egging it’s the one who hands out herbal teas instead of sugary heaven.

Just foolin’, kiddies, ol’ Poo-paw does not condone vandalism. Eggs are bad for both the paintjob and your cholesterol. And the shells take forever to biodegrade.

This year, the gremlin will be a bumblebee or a Transformer – if his mother (or Kim Jong-ma as she’s known to my grandson) can get him to wear the headpiece. He’ll be visiting the enemy grand-camp and the homes of other friends and relatives, and then stopping here at The Palace for a few sweet treats and I’m guessing a diaper change.

So keep your loved ones close this All Hallows Eve – there aren’t a lot of Great Pumpkins out there keeping an eye on them. And you can still celebrate the fun of the holiday (and the minty goodness of tea) without venturing into the madness.

Besides, with all the recent home foreclosures, finding a haunted house whose ghosts haven’t been evicted is practically impossible.

By J. Doug Gill